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IT'S
MORE THAN MOON, SPOON AND JUNE!
©
2001 Debbie Porter
"In real love you want
the other person's good. In romantic love, you want the other person."
~ Margaret Anderson ~
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With rose-colored glasses
firmly in place and all the delight of teenage first love still so very new, I
was drawn like a magnet to the cross-stitch kit in the Craft shop. The minute
I laid eyes on the design I knew I had to stitch it, although I'd never
attempted anything other than knitting in my 16 years of life.
Twenty-four years later this
same Sampler hangs in our bathroom, having been demoted from the front door by
the magnificent lighthouse picture that now holds that place of honor. Still,
each time I see this first work of mine, I remember those golden days of first
love.
Set amidst a simple design of
roses and blue birds is a most heart-felt saying:
"To Love and be Loved is
the Greatest Joy on Earth"
Those words ring as true to
me today as they did all those years ago, yet something has changed and that
something is my definition of what it means to love.
I've always considered it a
blessing that my first romantic love ended up being the man that I married.
The fact that Steve wanted me in his life was something that I was never quite
able to comprehend. For so long I'd felt ugly and unlovable that it was very
hard to understand that there was someone who saw something in me that made
his heart beat faster.
To be honest, Steve's heart
was beating faster a lot of the time before he actually asked me out. He lived
two suburbs away but would make a long run from his house to mine; jogging up
two steep hills, in the hope that one day I just may come outside as he went
past.
I never did.
The night he finally mustered
the courage to telephone (which really was far less exhausting than running up
hills) was a milestone in both our lives. Although my shyness and nervousness
just before our first date nearly crippled the relationship before it started,
some how we survived. The rest is history.
I still remember the first
time Steve told me he loved me. We'd been going out together for two months
and were spending the day at his Uncle's farm. As the afternoon shadows
lengthened and everything turned a mellow gold, we wandered up to an old
building and stopped to enjoy the sunset. That was when he whispered those
words that seemed to seal our relationship forever, "You know, I love
you."
The fact that the old
building was a slaughterhouse didn't spoil the moment for me in any way. All
that really stands out is the feeling of being bathed in the last rays of
golden sunlight and the warmth of being loved.
Romantic? Yes, in spite of
the location, it was.
Love? In one sense it was,
but a very pale shadow of what we have today. I won't speak for Steve, but I
would have to be honest and say it was more likely that I was in love with
love. The romance and joy of having someone who cared about me. Someone who
made me feel good and more confident about who I was. I loved being loved.
When we married five years
later, the rose-colored glasses had long been discarded. In that time we'd
seen one another without the golden sunsets and string quartets. Buying land,
building a home and organizing a wedding tend to strip all those things away.
As we grew more comfortable and certain of our long-term relationship, some of
the cotton wool came off and we allowed our real selves to come out.
Unfortunately, that often meant revealing the truth of who we were at our very
worst moments.
So we entered marriage with
our eyes wide open, but the adjustment from sensational singles to dynamic duo
wasn't always easy. We did love each other, but some of our
"battles" in those early days will remain etched in our memories
forever. The Bitter Butter Battle and The Great Lemon Throwing War of '83
(which included the Venetian Blind denting skirmish) are the two that rank
highest.
Our love was never in
question and we knew we were committed totally to each other. Yet there were
times I imagine we both did stop and wonder about this thing called love.
"What is this thing
called love?
This funny thing called love?
Just who can solve its
mystery?
Why should it make a fool of
me?
I saw you there one wonderful
day
You took my heart and threw
it away
That's why I ask the Lord in
Heaven above
What is this thing called
love?"
(Cole Porter)
The reality is that when we
did ask the Lord to show us what love was, He was more than happy to open our
eyes and hearts to the truth.
Love! It makes the world go
around. It makes strong men weak and weak women strong. It brings out the best
and the worst of human nature.
We love our partners; we love
our children; we love our friends; we love our jobs; we love our car; we love
our dog; we love our home; and maybe, just maybe, we might love our God as
well.
Is it really possible to
equate my love of cross-stitch with the love I have for my husband? Could I
possibly say I love pizza and I love my children and mean the same thing?
Obviously not, and that's where the English language once again lets us down.
Where the Greek language at
the time of Christ used three distinct words to define this emotion of the
heart - eros, phileo and agape - we try to cram it into just one seemingly
simple word - love. Then we wonder why our relationships sometimes seem to be
lacking.
Eros says, "I love you
because you satisfy my desires."
Phileo says, "I love you
because you're my friend and I enjoy our relationship. I feel good when I'm
with you."
Agape says, "I will love
you forever, in spite of how I may be feeling. I would lay down my life for
you and live to serve you."
My focus in the first two is
"ME". My needs, my desires, my feelings, my pleasure, my destiny.
My focus in agape is
"YOU". Your needs, your desires, your feelings, your pleasure, your
destiny.
The Bible is overflowing with
references to love and one thing was so clear as I read through each
Scripture. Agape is God's love! It's 1 Corinthians 13 in action. It's
absolutely perfect.
The difference of these words
is never more obvious than in this one passage of Scripture. While eating with
His disciples, the risen Lord asks Peter three questions:
"Simon son of John, do
you truly love (agape) me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he
said, "you know that I love (phileo) you." Jesus said, "Feed my
lambs."
Again Jesus said, "Simon
son of John, do you truly love (agape) me?" He answered, "Yes, Lord,
you know that I love (phileo) you." Jesus said, "Take care of my
sheep."
The third time he said to
him, "Simon son of John, do you love (phileo) me?" Peter was hurt
because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said,
"Lord, you know all things; you know that I love (phileo) you."
Jesus said, "Feed my sheep."
(John 21:15-17 NIV)
As we realize what Jesus was
asking and how Peter was responding, we can see that they weren't speaking the
same "language". Yet, just a short time later, after the day of
Pentecost with the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, Peter changed from the deep
affection he'd had for His Lord, to the selfless, sacrificial, all consuming
love of agape.
Jesus asks us the same
question today. Do we really agape-love Him? Do we really agape-love our
family? Do we really agape-love our brothers and sisters in Christ? Do we
really agape-love those who are yet to come into God's family?
It isn't an option; it's our
Savior's command:
"A new command I give
you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By
this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one
another."
(John 13:34-35 NIV)
Each time the word
"love" is mentioned in that verse, substitute agape. Selfless,
sacrificial and unconditional. I don't know about you, but I know for a fact
that I often fall way short of the mark. Yet, this is the love that's a fruit
of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22. In fact, it's a love that's only possible to
this extent when empowered by the Holy Spirit and surrendered to God. In our
own strength we just can't do it.
For Steve and me, the change
in our marriage came when we made a decision to really love one another. To
honor one another and put each other's needs before our own. We don't always
make it to the pinnacle, but every year that goes by we come a little closer
to reflecting the pure golden sunshine of God's perfect love.
"When you love you wish
to do things for. You wish to sacrifice for. You wish to serve."
~ Ernest Hemingway, 'A
Farewell to Arms' (1929) ~
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