LETTING
GO
Copyright
2001 by Rita
Spillers
I
was my "daddy's baby." I was 33 years old, happily married,
and the mother of two. When the phone rang that fateful Thursday
afternoon on October 13, 1983, I knew it was bad news. As soon as I
heard Momma's voice I said, "What's wrong…it's Daddy, isn't
it?"
She
had come in from town and found him slumped over in the back yard with a
stoke. The next few days were a total blur, days and nights spent at the
hospital, then his impending death. I am thankful that I did get to the
hospital in time to talk to him before his coma came upon him, and I got to
tell him again how very much I loved him.
The
following days were so hard, and the weeks to come. I was suffering and
finding it so hard to find relief from the deep grief and loss that I felt, no
matter how much I asked for God's strength and no matter the amount of comfort
my husband and friends tried to offer me. I just couldn't manage!
Then one day it happened….
It
was two weeks after his death when I was lying on my couch crying and grieving
and reading my Bible and praying for relief. I had extremely strong
faith. I told God that I couldn't do it alone, that I had to have His
help to get through this. That's when the sleep overcame me.
I
remember carefully laying my Bible down, still turned to the scriptures I'd
been reading about "…in my Father's house are many mansions…"
Then
the dream started. That's all I knew to call it, but I believe in my
heart that it was much more. In my "dream" I "knew"
my daddy was gone, but I also "knew" that God was granting me THREE
HOURS to visit with Daddy. I would get to hug him and talk to him and
ask him some of the questions that seem to come up in daily living…you know
the kind, such as, "Daddy, what did you tell me I need to do about"
this or that sort of thing. You know, the kind of questions we are used
to picking up the phone and calling to ask. Only thing is, we go to the
phone sometimes before it "hits" us that we can't call and ask
anymore!!
The
visit was to take place at their house, over an hour's drive from where we
lived. I don't remember how I got there at all, but the visit and the
comfort derived from it is as clear to me as though it happened YESTERDAY.
I
remember walking onto their front porch and entering the room where he was
sitting in "his" chair. I "knew" only Daddy and I
would be there alone. I bent down and hugged him so tightly like always,
and I remember saying to him, "Daddy, you feel sooooo good…you feel so
WARM!"
He
truly did, and I remember it so very clearly to this day! I walked over
to the couch facing him and we talked and talked and talked.
There
were no tears shed, for it was not a time of sadness, but a precious GIFT to
have this special time to fall back on for the rest of my life! I knew
it was something very, very exceptional and especial, and I savored every
second of the visit. We did not discuss death, we discussed LIVING and
proclaimed our love and deep affection, and the things going on in my life, my
dreams and hopes, and more. It was the most beautiful moments in my
life, having that special time with my daddy when I knew it was something that
does not happen in most lifetimes. I hugged him again when I knew it was
"time," and without regret I bid him farewell. No tears, no
worries. Just comfort. I was finally able to let go and move on.
I
awoke feeling very refreshed and very "alive" for the first time in
two weeks! I immediately picked up my phone and called my minister and
told him exactly what had just taken place…all of it, from me getting sleepy
and placing the Bible on the floor beside where I lay on the couch, to the
essence of the visit. I told my minister the peace I was feeling, and I
asked him what he thought of all of this. He said to me, "Rita,
don't question it, just consider it a gift from God."
I
have never had anything like this happen in my life before or since, but I
have carried the peace of it with me all these years. I was finally able
to "let go," but it was only through the grace of God!
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